la Reina del drama

So, in my class of Human Behavioral Biology we have been talking much recently of hormones and the interplay between hormones, behavior and cognition. (Very interesting topic, and particularly interesting how it relates to the series we're doing in church right now). Some of the central themes in our class are aggression, sex, and depression. In our hormone studies we have been looking at fluctuating hormone levels in the female menstrual cycle, and how varying hormone levels relate to changes in aggression, sexual proceptivity and receptivity, and emotional/cognitive states.

I am certain that every girl knows this in her own life. At least in my part, I always realize when I am super crazy emotional right before my period. (er, perimenstrual, if you want to be more correct hormonally.) And it goes both ways-- I have definitely been the irritable, grouchy one sometimes. Othertimes I cry at any little thing. I don't like the idea of hormones controlling what I'm feeling and thinking, and from what we've learned in class there is absolutely no way to conclude that they do. Instead, they make you more susceptible to stressors in the environment. In other words, it takes less to make you explode, or to get all weepy and teary-eyed.

I think that this was the case Friday night/Saturday morning at Big Dance, and I want to write about this because I realize that I hurt a lot of feelings that night, and I need to apologize. I prefaced this post with the HBB discussion, because I think that is a good backdrop for describing how it wasn't one particular thing, just a bunch of little things together that made it a hard night. Let me also give a special thanks, too, to Lauren and Maria for helping me to pick this apart (even if I was stubborn and unwilling at first).

Right away, I think the problem was that it was supposed to be a perfect night. You know what happens when you have those sorts of expectations, right? Inevitably something goes wrong and then it just ends up being such a bigger drama than it should be. So we got there a bit later than I would have wanted to (although we did have super cute costumes! that was really fun! tee hee), and then almost right away I had to rush off to change for the performance with Cardinal Whirlwinds. The performance was fun, except that I messed up several times and I felt really bad and upset about that. =( People told me that it wasn't a big deal, but you know how it's like when you practice and practice and then you make mistakes in the performance. Particularly when it's a group that depends on all the members. I just really felt like I let all my team down. I know mentally that it was all okay, but still I was feeling a bit down after that.

Anyways, it really was after 1am by the time I actually got to start dancing. I had it in my head that I was going to dance and dance all night, but by the time our performance was over, much of the night had gone by, and even though there was still a lot left to the night, I realized that many of the people that I was planning on dancing with had already left!

That was another big thing-- it hit me hard last night that the crowd of dancers had changed immensely since freshman and sophomore year. I absolutely love seeing new people get into dancing, it is so much fun! But it is a little overwhelming, what with the end of the year coming, and knowing that people step onto the ballroom, dance for a little while... then they exit and move to wherever they move and this whole new life.

And that's me now! I'm leaving and will find a new dance scene in Chicago and it will just be... different. Not only that, but will people even remember that I was here? Was I even all that important?

It didn't seem so at the dance. Like I said, I was expecting (nooo! don't have expectations! well, at least I'm learning that...) to dance and dance my little heart away, but instead what I felt like was that nobody was really asking me to dance. That was really strange for me since I'm used to dancing all the time. And maybe it's just because I didn't start dancing until later, and maybe... I don't know. I just felt really excluded. Which is so unusual for me at a dance. It's my element; I feel at home, at ease, at peace, floating, thrilled... usually. I don't know what was different about Friday. But I felt sad. Out of place, even. How strange...

So as I was flailing for stability and belongingness, I turned to the one person that I was used to getting that from (particularly in the area of dance). Obviously (well, now at least) that was not a good move because it put demands on a type of relationship that isn't there anymore, and I'm really sorry for that. It just became really hard. I wasn't expecting it to be hard, but the touch and closeness was so familiar and I really wanted that since I was feeling off and out of place in everything else, but it hit hard that even there it was different and I was most likely hurting him and myself and our friendship to search for closeness there... aiya!

Well, the end result was that I was sulky and weepy pretty much the entire night. Although, around 5:30 Jed brought his little teeny fluffy furball of a 15-week puppy to the dance, and that made everything seem so much better!

I do feel really sad that I hurt other people by my being super-emotional. I sometimes think that I don't have enough outlets, though. Maybe because I feel like I always have to be the perky, chipper-in-the-morning, cheerful one, and then it gets too much and it becomes a whole big thing. I remember feeling this way in high school, too, although my way of coping was much much worse. Anyways, to everybody who asked after me at the dance and in the aftermath, thank you very much. I am really trying to work on it... and I really would appreciate your prayers, too. Sometimes it's hard not to be self-reliant. It's hard to give it all up, you know? When I do get like that, it's also important to keep in mind that I usually just need a little bit of time, and then I'll snap out of it. Sometimes it is good to talk, to snap me out of it (Lauren, you are especially good at that), but sometimes I just need to stew a little until I get over it. Well, I am still learning to live in my weaknesses. Praise the Lord that he can be glorified in me despite, and even because, of all my faults.